The Real Secret of Victoria

05 Mar

Victoria's Secret Black Friday at Westfield Sa...

Victoria's Secret Black Friday at Westfield San Francisco Centre 2009 (Photo credit: Steve Rhodes)

Birthdays, Christmas, Valentine’s Day, all the great opportunities for the men in our lives to venture out to their favorite lingerie shop in order to purchase that oh so perfect gift for the love of their life.  Their girlfriend, their wife, the mother of their children, the grandmother to their grandchildren, sometimes for only one of these women.  Often blushing, sometimes bold, but always with a happy heart they venture out for a solitary shopping expedition.  They are being a dutiful partner and wish to make their lady happy.

Our men will know the item they seek as soon as they see it. It can be sheer, lacy, sheer, low-cut, sheer, high cut, or just sheer.  A corset, a nightie, a teddy, or panty and bra set.  Some styles that they view make a valiant attempt at the impression of elegance, but admittedly, most are really trashy.  They are adorned with feathers, ruffles, glitter, leather or vinyl.  Slits and garters, in black, red, purple or the occasional hot pink make up the majority of colors.  When worn by real women the thongs slide too far up your butt, and the strip of material passing for a bra barely covers your ta tas causing them to pop out over the top.  If that’s all you are wearing it isn’t too much of a problem, however if you slip on a pull over shirt it looks like you could nurse four pups.

I remember a movie (9 to 5) where Melanie Griffith was trying on a short, sheer, teddy with hanging garters and looking at herself in the mirror.  She turns this way and that, appraising the effect. I believe it was a Valentine’s Day gift from her boyfriend.  While still looking in the mirror she says, and I paraphrase, “Frankie, do you think sometime you could get me something that I could wear outside?”  Exactly.  We all know this teddy is going to disappear into the draw with the other forty pounds of similar come hither undies.

Now I will tell you the real secret of stores like Fredericks of Hollywood and Victoria Secrets.  These are not women’s stores, these are men’s stores.  When a man ventures into these dens of fantasy he becomes the proverbial kid in a candy shop, rummaging through counters of artfully placed undergarments.  He chooses carefully those size extra small unmentionables for his beautiful size fourteen wife.

I can’t imagine what our guys can be thinking when that adorable sales girl holds up a gauzy teddy in front of her tiny body and hypnotizes the man convincing him that his lady at home would just die for such a piece of apparel.  Then the sales person will fold the bit of gauze into a tiny pink shopping bag, held closed with a classy black satin ribbon. 

Seriously,I don’t want an iron or a vacuum for a Valentine present.  In fact I would be totally devastated by such a gift, as I am sure a lot of my sisters would be.  A pair of sexy panties is lovely and reminds us just how our men feel about us and the way we look to them.  But, Frankie, do you think sometime you could get me something I could wear outside?

Note:  Originally I stated that it was Geena Davis starring in the movie 9 to 5 only to later realize that it was Melanie Griffith. I have corrected this error and my apologies to Ms. Griffith.


Posted by on March 5, 2012 in Uncategorized


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2 responses to “The Real Secret of Victoria

  1. Jan Arzooman

    March 5, 2012 at 9:29 am

    Exactly! I have told my husband not to buy me ANY clothes without asking my size first. I don’t mind SOME V.S. stuff, but usually I have to buy it myself.

  2. Sopia

    March 5, 2012 at 4:35 pm

    It’s the curse of the hips.


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